Can I be honest?

I don't normally complain about my infertility. I don't like too, and most certainly do not want to be the person responsible for that awkward social moment where people don't know what to say.You know that uncomfortable awkward pause. Complaining doesn't fix it either. I am not a fan of pity, it does not fix anything and does not really make anyone feel better. I have felt like such an idiot lately for struggling so much with my infertility.I often feel like if I show how I am really feeling I am weak, I am giving in and letting it take over. Silly, I know, but that is how I am with most things I struggle with. Very few see the real emotions. I hate it when it rears it's ugly head. I like it buried away where I have control and can deal with it my own way. Lately it seems nothing I do bury's the monster. I have 8 beautiful kids and feel guilty and confused by it. I should be over it I tell myself, I have a family. I wonder is this Heavenly Fathers way of telling me something. That's crazy right? Sometimes when people judge me for my weight I want to scream , " How would you like to have a disease that not only makes you infertile but also makes you fat? Didn't think so, so back off!" I know some see it as an excuse. Look, if you know me you know lazy is not a part of my vocabulary. It does not apply to me. I am up with the sun. I catch about  hour of sit down time a week in front of a T.V and not much more in front of the computer. I have pinterest account with no pins because I do not browse the computer. I do not have time.  So with that being said, I am struggling with other challenges right now too and I could not sleep so I checked my email. My inbox had this in it.

I am not crazy, I love a little validation on that note. Who wants to be crazy right? My favorite part of the article is this, "Psychologists have found that being infertile has the same psychological impact as being diagnosed with cancer," I feel validated for my struggle. So many people say," Now that you have adopted you will get pregnant" In some ways I wish their words were prophetic. My reality though is not that! I smile and give the socially acceptable answer. I really want to scream in their faces "SHUT UP you insensitive cow"! Okay maybe that's only on a bad day, but I have thought it, I promise. Seriously if I could say to peoples faces all the things I was really thinking....... That's a wall to a damn best left piled high. Do I begrudge anyone the joys of their fertility, No way! I am aware this is my cross to bear.I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It's not anybody else's fault I can not give birth. This article though sheds such a simple light on a very complex issue. There is no cookie cutter answer to infertility. Be sensitive to those who struggle. I often remind myself that people just don't know what to say sometimes and just end up offending with no intent.  We have all been there.
It's a well written article. Like it said ,everybody's story is different. Isn't that life! We all have struggles, trials, and heartache. Nobody is immune. The great eqaulizer in this big bad world is that we all have Savior who has taken these heartaches upon him and will share our burden. I went through a really ugly angry stage when I was first struggling with infertility. I am glad I am over that and now rely on my Savior for  the peace I need. Infertility reeks havoc on a womans body and has many side effects that do not have anything to do with having babies. It's a hard road so when you come across some one struggling and chances are you already have. Please just be a tiny bit more compassionate no mater how well they seem to be coping.