Motherhood, it's not for sissy's

I don't know where I have heard it, but as the trials of motherhood are hitting me square in the face
lately it has become my little mantra. I have tried to cut Emmi and Kasidi some slack. I just can't anymore. Things have drastically changed with these two since my tumor scare and surgery. I was not really mothering anyone with any real effort or time. They would come for hugs and be stopped, "not that way."  " Oh don't touch my boo boo side"  I still gave them hugs and told them I loved them. I assured them I would be back to myself, but that it would take some time. They were taken care of by so many different people. The service given my family still chokes me up when I think about it. Trials come with a price, don't they?

I remember as  a young girl my Mom being so kindly carted off to a friends house after giving birth to her 7th child.  Her friend thought my Mom needed a break. We as children were not neglected by this act, in fact I want to go hide out with friends sometimes too. I only understand it as a Mother now myself. As a girl though I was sad and angry. How dare that lady take my Mom away from me! She had her baby, now give her back! I remember holding onto that anger for a while. I don't know if I miss behaved and tried to punish my Mom for it or not. I feel like that is where Kas and Emmi are. Testing me to my very limits some days, just too see if I still infact will pay attention and love them anyways. Other times I am sure it's just the mischief of youth.

So as Kasidi and Emmi test me in every way possible these days. I draw from my own childhood the only conclusion I can come up with. They were scared and mad and just wanted their Mom back. I was powerless to fix it. I could not just come home and be there again. Heck I couldn't walk or stand up straight. I was on heavy medication. No clear thoughts some days. Layne and I did our best to talk to them and help them understand.  The younger kids took it in stride. Carter was old enough to get it for the most part. His reaction was to stick closer to home and keep an eye on me. Emmi and Kasidi were stuck in the middle, not young enough to escape the lack of understanding of some parts and not old enough to understand what was needed for me to heal and why I had semi checked out of their lives.

The lists involves lying, a lot! Fit throwing and crying up to an hour at times. Sneaking the spray paint out of my garage and vandalizing the hood. Stealing from school.Yelling and fighting consistently with others. The seemed inability to speak kindly to others. Fights with friends. Making bedtime a living hell. Disrespecting the babysitter and other authority figures in their life. It has not been pretty the last four months. It sounds awful doesn't it?

They really are great girls! They do their chores when asked.  They love to play with the baby, change diapers, and feed her her bottles. They realize when they have done wrong in the little things and apologize with out prompting.  They are respectful to their school and church leaders.They are still willing to be hugged and loved and I am trying to go out of my way to give them as much extra attention as I can. When the big things hit though it's always over the top.

We have FHE lessons on kindness, and honesty. Some taught by them. I pray that some of it is sinking in. We talk about all their choices and have them right the wrong. I tell my kids every day      " You have to own your own choices." Hours spent cleaning graffiti of the walls in the retention basin, hoping it will bring home that truth. Admitting to the stealing and paying the price of the item along with admitting the wrong doing to the person involved. They are learning slowly it seems not to lie and blame others.

I am also talking to them about getting the right kind of attention. Confirming our unconditional love for them. Letting them know, we love them, just not their choices.  Telling them if they are feeling sad, mad, lonely, or left out anywhere that they can come to us. That if they are feeling scared or neglected to come tell us they need attention, or time with us. Helping them to recognize and hopefully understand some of their emotions. We are trying to see it and anticipate it. I know things will right themselves. I have faith in my girls and Layne and I as parents, and I know we will get through and just giggle at it all someday.  Right now though... all I can think is this Mommy thing is NOT for sissy's!

Something is Working

I was feeding the baby the other day with this little sweetie sitting at my feet counting her toys.


I told her how proud of her I was and that she was so smart. She said, " I am smart. I can:
get dressed,
wash the table,
take out the trash,
say please,
share with Tankster,
ride my bike."
She went on to list quite a few more. As we finished talking about just how smart she is, and capable I thought, I am doing something right. When life is hard, and it is for all us at times. It is easy to get caught up in fixing what is wrong or worrying about it and focusing solely on the ugly things at hand. Little Miss reminded me that so much is going right. One of my goals as a Mother is to raise independent confident children. I give them tasks and chores at a young age. I do it because it helps us as a family work better as a team.We share the load and everything does not fall back on Mom and Dad. It lightens my load, but more importantly I do it to teach my children to believe in themselves. When we show confidence in them and praise them it is like a little bit of magic. There at my feet sat my sweet confident  3 year old daughter who could list things she could do and was proud of herself for doing them. I am proud of her for doing them. I was reminded again of something I know yet so easily forget. The more positive reinforcement we give the better. Always harping on the negative is getting us nowhere. Don't you respond better to people who praise and encourage you? We are not so different than they are, just bigger.

Creature of certain habits

Sometimes like once a day or more I worry that I am to rigid when it comes to certain schedules we have around here. I am crazy about not living in a mess and I am totally aware of my issues. I am..... I can not relax in a mess in my own house. How is it I can go to others peoples house and not give a hoot?  I have eight kids, who are we kidding? I can not even begin to count how many messes are made and cleaned up in a day. I worry that my kids are only going to remember the crazy Mom who assigned quick pick up zones every day, 2-3 times a day like clock work. The Mom who liked to pass out cleaning assignments like candy. Are they going to turn into hoarders? Will they be the people who grow up and hate housework thus living like pigs as adults? I worry that they won't remember the Mom who let them pop 6 bags of popcorn and eat that for dinner one night, or bought crap food and spent hours in the park with them,or that I never make them make their beds. I don't care how you organize your clothes drawers, they are yours. See I am not a total control freak . I still worry though when I go into crazy Mom mode and insist all sorts of random things must be close to perfect before I send them to bed.  A lady said to me once she wished she had cleaned her house less and played with her kids more. I try to have an even balance, I do, but I still worry that my kids are going to only remember the nutso lady who sent them to bed sometimes with out a story time time cuz seriously, it should not take an hour to do a ten minute job. Or the lady who kept chanting "Pick up a toy, put it away, Pick up a toy, put it away......"  They may use that on my headstone! I am such a creature of habit and schedule and while I know that is a good thing sometimes I just wonder if it is too much of a good thing?

How I do it, Part 5

Discipline:
 Ok, to be honest I have put this one off. I have genuinely been super busy and have thought a lot about it. I have started this post and scratched the idea a few times. This can be such a heated topic. I have found that most people have very set ideas on parenting and often judge others on their parenting skills or lack of. I know I have been judged for mine.I am not a perfect parent.I certainly did not want to come across as a know it all or be hypocritical in any way. My husband and I were not parents one minute and then the phone rang and the next minute we were. Instant parents of a one year old and a five year old with big issues. We went from zero kids to 3 in 3 months, and then all the way to 6 kiddos in 2.5 years. Number 7 and 8 came later. Talk about your parental baptism by fire. Every single one of our kids came with baggage some huge, some super small. The issues my children came with range from severe child abuse to abandonment. They run the gamment. All but 3 of my children were drug exposed in utero. 
 Maybe my take on discipline is more harsh strict than some. I have read so many blogs, some Moms spank and some Moms think spanking will send you on a fast trip to hell. Those non spanking Moms often talk about how much they yell. That can be abusive too, and just as damaging as a spanking can. Not all abuse is physical.I have struggled to find a system, a method that has checks and balances. One that fits the needs of my diverse family. One that works according to the dictates of my conscience and no one elses. One thing I am really good at most of the time is not giving a rats patoot what others think of me. I guess what I am saying is I am not easily offended especially when I know most people who pass judgment do not know me or enough about my situation. I think it is safe to say that none of us really knows what goes on behind the scenes in anyones home. My great friend made a good point the other day. She said, and I am paraphrasing, that for those parents who judge strict parents of young children with out all the info they are the same who might also say one day,  "that kid would have turned out better if you would have put your foot down and done your job." my friend is RIGHT!!
 So with all that said, here it what works for us.
 Know each kids currency.
 Every day is a new beginning.
 Always let them know above all that you love them no matter what.
 Be consistent!
 Treat them as individuals and raise them as individuals. What works for one may not work for another.
 Find a system or systems that work for you.
We love 123 Magic.  Our good friends told us about it and we have used it ever since. This system is mainly used to stop behaviors that you do not like. If your kid argues give them till three and remove them from the situation. If they are not listening give them to three. Warn them of the consequence at one and be quick about it. It works like magic, it really does. My kids hate it. When all else fails, this works....I think it's because you can not argue with numbers and because we are consistent. If I get to three you better look out, there is no going back.
We also use Love and Logic.
I believe in giving a child the chance to make the right choice. Most of the time they know what is right and wrong they just need a kind nudge in the right direction. For instance, "Take out the trash or go to your room, what do you choose?" Empower them. Some times it is not about getting them to do something sometimes it is about letting them feel in control of their choices. This builds confidence. What end of the bed do you want to sleep on? Which friends house do you want to play at today? Let them make decisions you are comfortable with by guiding their options.
Check out their sites. It is well worth your time.
I believe in natural consequences. Let the punishment fit the crime.
I will be honest, I do not sugar coat life for my kids. I do not believe that helps them in any way.  I believe I am honest with them and age appropriate. As parents Mr. M. and I try to instill the knowledge, values, and tools they will need  in life to help them make the right choice when confronted with decisions. My parents did that for me and I will always be grateful. My parents also raised us as individuals.Isn't it really just a juggling act and how well we handle the situations that arise depends on our mood, the offense or task needing to be done, the mood of the child, and the parenting tools we have armed ourselves with.
Do I loose my cool? More than I should. When I loose my cool I have to step away. I have parked my car and given my self a time out. This teaches your kids by example how to cope when angry. Sure wish I did this every time.I get up every day and try to be a better parent than I was yesterday. I succeed some days, and some days I am a miserable failure. I apologize when I am wrong. I think it is very important that our kids know we are human and we make mistakes too. I think they need to  know we value them enough as a human beings to admit when we have crossed the line. Some parents look at their kids as little adults as we learned through 123 Magic that always clouds our judgment. I have to remind myself of this all the time. Above all they need to be loved and I think a huge way we show our kids we love them is by not letting them get away with what we know is wrong. They are in our care, each child a sweet gift from a loving Heavenly Father who expects nothing less than the best we can give.

It's a tricky thing.

Raising C-Dog is just plain tricky. Figuring how help him overcome things with out the direct approach. Sometimes the direct approach is needed, we use it when we need to. I have found a few tricks that work though when it is not. I wonder when he will catch on to my little scheming. How long can you trick the trickster? As long as I can....
I found something he loves, and lucky for me some thing I like too.

Games, card or board. When I need to discuss stuff with him I invite him to play. We usually play 2 to 3 times a week. We talk about school, grades, friends, and church. He opens up and tells me all sorts of things.It keeps the peace in more than one way. He gets to get some things off his chest, and so do I. He is occupied so he has no interest in teasing his siblings. In fact he invited Little H to join us today and he coached her through the game and got her snacks. It always diffuses hard feeling and he feels like a king when he kicks my hiney.
The second method I have found I don't like as much. It is a must in everyday life and mainly my job for now, so I make it work for me. He on the other hand loves it, and I am glad he does. He loves to cook and bake.

 He is very good at it and he gets to be in control. I am sure a reason he likes it. So today as he was mixing up brownies and I was just chillin with him in the kitchen he started to share some dreams. it was really to cute." Hey Mom, when I get married I want to go sky diving with my wife." Me, "really?" " Yeah Mom, my wife is supposed to be my best  friend and I want to go with my best friend. Imagine us just chillin in the air as we jump out of the plane."
Really I hope he does not catch on to my little trick, and if he does I hope he learns to look forward to this time with me as much as I do with him.

Yes Dad, We Do...

Need a personal invitation that is. My Dad used to get so frustrated when he or my Mom would holler or call for us kids to come together as a group for dinner or family prayer or whatever it may have been. It never failed that one or more of us refused to respond to  "Hey everyone in here!" or  "Come to dinner....." He would get really frustrated his voice would grow louder as he would try several times at different octaves to get us come together as group. There were ten of us. He would also give group commands like, "See this candy, you all had better stay out." How about this one? " It"s time to clean up, everybody pitch in." Were you the kid that took off when your parents gave a group command? I should have been, I hated getting in trouble, so I stuck around. What I hated more was my Dad saying to me or one of my siblings  "DO YOU NEED A PERSONAL INVITATION?" Hated it.... By the time he got to this parental catch phrase he was usually pretty frustrated and angry. I swore that was one of "those" sayings I would not use. I almost did it. I almost became my Father in an instant last night, YIKES.....almost said it! ( I Love my Dad, just not this parental phrase or how it was used.)  Last nght as I was almost to the point of just begging my kids to sit still and read their books just like we do every night while we are waiting for the ones who can not get into thier PJ's themselves to be helped by Mom or Dad. My kids would not listen, it became a wrestling, gymnastics, and dance party all in one. The noise level was insane. I said repeatedly.   "Everyone who is ready for bed sit on the couch and read books until we are ready for FHE."  NO ONE listened and just as my frustrstion level was about to take over. My tone rising with each request, just like My Dad. Just as that "phrase" was about to leave my mouth I realized,  yes Dad, we did.....We did, and so do my kids. A personal invitation works best. It takes just as much energy to look your kids in the eyes individualy and help them obey as it does to shout group requests they are not listening to, over and over again. I went to each kid and gave them a personal invitation to sit their cute tushy's down with a book and wait quietly till we were all in the room. I was amazed at the response. I shouldn't be amazed!  I should have wised up long before now. They were tuned into me and what I needed from them at the moment, because I was using their names and looking them in the eye. I am sure I have not shouted my last group request, but you can be sure I have learned a valuable lesson and instead of asking if they need a personal invitation I will use my energy giving them one instead of giving into all that frustratiion and anger that comes from being ignored over and over again.
( not slamming my Dad at all, I love him!)

A Pot Shot....

Parenting, it's a pot shot right? What works for one rarely works for another, maybe because they watched and caught on. When I have days like I had to day I wonder seriously what happened to my brain and how did all these kids get in my house?? No it's not because we don't own a T.V....... My kids are here each one because I answered the phone and said YES!! I like all parents question my sanity. Today I just question my parenting skills or maybe the lack of them. I get so tired of being told there is only one way to parent a child and your way is best.
Spank?
Don't spank?
Yell?
Don't yell?
Time out?
Uh Oh's?
Go to your room?
Loose a privealage?
Go to bed with or with out dinner?
Call their bluff?
Natural consequences?
I think we have to find what works with each child and that it is a work in progress with each INDIVIDUAL spirit sent to our homes, no matter how they came to us. I think nobody knows a child better than the Mom and Dad who spend day in and day out with them. I have been to more parenting classes than I care to count and still have two more to take this year. I have learned so much and already forgotten so much. When stressful situations occur  and I am pushed to what I believe to be my limits and every lesson or method I have ever learned fly's out the window with
The window screen knocked out.
The pavers into the back yard completely removed and some mutilated.
Easter decorations almost destroyed.
Constatnt fighting and screaming between two 3 year olds.
An argumenative 9 year who is so angry I called his bluff.
A 6 year old who came home with Marker all over her. I mean ALL over her.
Lying
Pushing
Hitting
The list goes on. None of these any big deal alone but on a one right after the other basis with so many other things going on at the same time, overwhelming!!!!

Which parenting skill do I throw at all of these? What do I address, and what do I let go? I guess that's where we reach into our reserve and remember God does not give us more than we can handle,  all though there are days I definately question that, I am human... Some days I feel like such a mess of a Mother and can only imagine how I am going to answer  for this particular day. I reflect on my parents and marvel that they made it through us 10 kids.That alone gives me hope. They are still here and able to talk about it I guess it's not as bad as it seems. I will make it too. For all the things I don't know about parenting the one thing I do know that is no matter how bad it gets my kids will always know at the end of the day that I love them. They also need to know that I infact know a lot, but that I don"t know it all, I don't..... It is sweet and humbling at the end of a day like today to be at my Miss M's bedside apologizing for some of my choices, "Miss M, Mommy is so sorry I got so mad today sometimes I make bad choices too. I have never been a Mommy before and sometimes I don't do it right, I'm Sorry!"   " That's ok Mommy, some times I spell Monkey with an L and monkey does not have an L in it." said with such innocence. I guess maybe it's not a pot shot? I think I am wrong. I think the Lord knows exactly what he is doing and we like Miss M have to be willing to say nobody's perfect and nobody's parenting is perfect and tomorrow we will try and Spell "monkey with out an L together.What a sweet simple reminder that wrong is wrong and right is right and we can repent and start over tomorrow, we can try again every day to get things right wether it be as complex as parenting or as simple as spelling Monkey.

I Love That.....

As a parent there are things I actually do right. It is so easy to get caught up in ALL the things I know I do wrong. I love that this little guy

knows when it is a "church day." He Gets all excited to go and asks all morning to get ready. He get's so excited to see his church clothes and shoes set out and ready to put on. I find my self reminding him it is not time yet, several times on a Sunday morning. He is always telling me we have to "sushhhhh" in church. To bad he doesn't completely get the concept yet. It's a start right?
I love that this little sweetie

calls our family room the "story, scripture, song, family prayer room" She actually takes the time to say it all.I am so glad she does not call it the t.v. watching, wrestling, fight with your brother and sister, jump on the furniture, time out room. I LOVE that she associates it with the things that mean the most.The things I am trying soo hard to teach. All that effort and energy are worth it! I have wanted to give up our lengthy night time routine out of frustration and exhaustion, more times than I can count. I am soo glad I have stuck with it!!!!

Think They Don't Remember?

Well,it's just not true!

I was getting Sissy

ready for church. We have had a few questions about birth parents around here lately. I guess it's fresh in her mind. It was just me and her. She asked,

"Mommy, where's the other Poppy?"

"Sissy, I don't know, who are you talking about?"

"You know, when you left me with the other poppy, and he was mean, and I would cry for you."

" Oh your birth Father"

"Ya"

"It was not my choice that you had to stay with him for a little while. Daddy and I worked hard to keep you safe." We worked hard to get you home!"

"Hes(yes) Mom, I cried for you and you did come"

Now it's my turn to cry. Sissy's been a part of our family since she was 12 months old, minus a short stay with her birth Father where we did in fact find out all was not well. I wish I could wash it all away!!! Erase the memory's for her. I do remember dropping her off there a number of times, because it was court ordered that I be the"babysitter' while she was in his care. I remember her fits as I left. I remember crying right along with her.What a helpless feeling that was. It's hard not to be mad at life's cruelties some times.Why my sweet little girl had to experience this? A helpless child at the mercy of adults who should KNOW better. Questions I will never have the answers to. The answers really don't matter. How I help her heal from these sad experiences, does matter!! It reminds that sometimes how I react to situations,good or bad, shapes who they are. I know that, but some times I know I act as though I don't. I hope I don't forget this conversation soon. It was a vivid reminder of how they can recall these young years.The most important, formative years of a childs life.

Sweet Calm Mornings

Are what we FINALLY have around here!!!

Since Lightnings first day of Kindergarten we have struggled to get him out the door with out a major familial blow out, and with the exception of a few days of calm every day has been a major struggle. I am NOT exaggerating. There have been mornings where I wanted to run away or pretend I had a horrific disease in order to stay in bed safe and sound. To get out of bed and face the morning knowing what I had to face would have me dodging all small people on my way to our office. Once inside the office, with the door shut, I would read my scriptures and hide. I would pray for the best each day and when I left face the worst. We tried everything....... he lost privileges, toys, T.V., Computer, and his DS. One day he was sent to his room and missed part of school. Finally it dawned on me and I figured out a way to solve the problem. One was more attention one on one, because he clearly was trying to tell us something and we were missing it. Two was I took several things away with no chance to "earn" them back any time soon. The things he lost have been taken away semi-permanently. He told me it didn't matter he could get things back. So he was being good just long enough to get his stuff back, and then he was right back to his old antics. He is now is up, dressed, and feeding himself before I can sneak out of my room. He practices his piano with out any games. It has been this way since before spring break and I want to cry with relief. Mornings are GREAT around here. I don't dread getting out of bed and facing the day again. He's a sweet boy, and I think because of his age and the fact that he sees the "baby" games we play with the littles, he wonders why he does not get so much attention. I have struggled to find ways to give him the much needed attention at his age level. I decided to focus on his interest and meet him in the middle, it seems to be working. I sure LOVE my small man! I want him to know he's loved with out having to do the "wrong" things for attention. Dang this parenting thing is sure tricky!!!!!

A Hard Lesson Learned

To say today was not my day would pretty much sum it up. It started out like any normal day. Me getting up and getting my family breakfast and out the door to where they need to be. We got Lightning off to school and breakfast cleaned up. The morning quick pick up done . I was so excited that I had accomplished so much. I thought WOW, a shower before 8:30am. This will be a great day. That is really where the down hill slide began. While I was in the shower I just kept racking my brain for what I could have forgotten and then it dawned on me I forgot Sissy had school this morning and she had probably missed the bus. I quickly asked Layne what time it was and new with his answer it was too late. I grabbed a towel and ran for the front window, only to see the blur of bus tale lights driving away from my house. I had errands to run so I fought with all the kids to get them ready and get them out the door with me to drive the trek to Sissy's school. Once I was out I decided to get those errands done and feed the kids . I had Miss M with me, uh guess who missed school today?? I know Mom of the year coming my way. When I got home I realized I had forgotten to get the treats for Miss M's game tonight. This being one of the most important errands on my list. I quickly devised a plan A and Plan B to get treats and get to the game. My husbands,working again and can not help. Plan A was foiled so on to plan B. Miss M would ride with the Coach's family to the game while I run and get the treats minus a one year old and one two year old that my parents are watching. Seems I have it all worked out and I start dinner. Dinner and getting Miss M ready for her game turns into a three ring circus of fits, pouting, soup and crackers being flung around my kitchen while I was frantically trying to find two purple soccer socks. I still have not done my hair because remember I ran out of the house like a mad dog this morning. At this point I loose my senses and start getting a little to loud in my requests for help and the lack thereof. I am ticked at the amount of soup and crackers flung everywhere and still have no purple socks. I am ranting "why does nobody in this house hear a word I say?" and many more too often quoted stressed out Mom sayings. While I am in just getting to a few of my favorites I hear a soft sweet voice singing beside me "Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me. Help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do....... The chorus to the song I Am A Child of GOD. One of my all time favortie childrens songs. I sat down and cried. Sissy is right, I am not doing my my job the way I should be. There was no kindness in my tone. I was for sure not being a good example. I thanked Sissy her for the reminder of my role in her life and the lives of my other children who were just staring at their loony Mom like I just sprouted three heads. The rest of my night did not go any better. The self checkout at Fry's was a joke, there was no parking at the soccer game and as result no half time treats and I only got to see ten minutes of the game but I handled it like the adult I am supposed to be. I was taught a valuable lesson today from a three year old!!! I hope and pray I will remember it in the future. The messes still have to be picked up whether I get mad or not. Sometimes our days don't go as planned and the sun still rises tomorrow, in short nothing is a big enough deal to really get that crazy over. I learned a valuable lesson today.

I NEVER IMAGINED

when I got married five years ago that my life would play out at it has. I never imagined I would deal with infertility and the gamut of emotions that come with it.I never imagined six kids in 2 1/2 years. I look back now and remind my self daily that the Lord does not give us more than we can handle. Some days I feel very strongly the urge to give into why me? Why me, for so many reasons. Why am I one of the ones chosen for this particular trial knowing that I probably volunteered. Why when onehm suggested Foster/Adopt did we feel so strongly about it? Why the failed infertility treatments and heartache that accompanies it? Why these particular kids at my house? Why are the words adoption, case worker, bio parent, and court a part of my family vocabulary on a regular basis? Why the little 18 month old that is such a tuff kid that I end up in tears by end of the day at least twice a week from sheer exhaustion? What am I learning from these experiences? I think as I have sat and talked this week with a bio parent and lawyers and case workers and heard the excitement in Sissy's voice as she tells people she gets to go to the temple and sings her favorite song I Love To See The Temple...I know WHY!!!! I know the Savior has a plan for each of us. I know these kids were meant to be ours even if it means I have to share them more than my selfish self wants to.Even if it means suffering through long unsure cases and set back after setback.I know my family as insane as it may be is just how it should be and I know I don't want it any other way! There are parts of infertility I still need to come to terms with but I know I will with time. Parenting these kids is hard and I feel the refiners fire as I try every day to be more kind and more patient. I don't do so well all the time and I kick myself harder than anyone else could. My life is greater and harder than I could have ever imagined and I am learning and loving. I am learning to cope with the ups and downs as I love these beautiful children Heavenly Father placed in my care. I have learned it does not matter how they get here just what I do with the trust my Heavenly Father has placed in me and Layne as their earthly parents. I know the responsibility is mine and I am so grateful for it.