Survival Mode

That is where I have been and it does not involve blogging. Heck, I would go days without talking to close friends or getting out of my house clothes. It has been hands down a month I want to never repeat again. Nobody died, and nothing tragic happened, but the day to day struggle to raise my oldest child was becoming all consuming. Help was not coming fast enough, and we were just treading water. It was all I could do keep my outside commitments straight or at all. Anything above and beyond took more energy than it seemed I had or could muster. It was something only one or two of my friends even get. Very hard dynamics to understand if you have never been there. I am not one to run from hard things. I have struggled with how much of this to share. So out of respect for my Son I will keep some things to myself. I think people need to be more aware though of just how important little children are and what they experience in those formative years matters!! How we treat them, how we speak to them and around them. They need to feel safe and loved above all else. They are not as resilient as we adults would like to think they are. They are also not as forgetful as we hope they will be. Those who had charge of my sons first five years of life have a lot to answer for. No one should have to pay the price of a lifetime because the adults whose job it is to protect them won't. We are so honest about his circumstances hoping he will be able to recognize some of his struggles are not of his doing. We also teach him that that is no excuse and as we grow we become more accountable each day for who we are and the choices we make. My son has ODD Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This is not new news, he was diagnosed two plus years ago. Here is a list of things we deal with on a daily basis.
Negativity
Defiance Disobedience
Hostility directed toward authority figures
Have temper tantrums
Be argumentative with adults
Refuse to comply with adult requests or rules Annoy other people deliberately
Blames others for mistakes or misbehavior
Acts touchy and is easily annoyed
Feel anger and resentment
Be spiteful or vindictive

Luckily for us he usually only acts out at home. We could have it worse. We know this! It makes every day a game, an emotionally exhausting game. I never know which tactic is going to work which day. It is tiring constantly being on your guard and having to make him think everything he does was his idea or waiting for him to way his options and finally decide to just do that one simple chore asked of him. We have good days, bad days, wicked awful days, and some great days. He is a good boy with a tender heart and a love for children.He is super smart. He loves animals, he loves his friends and if he feels in control and the boss he will do anything for you. We try and give him as much control as we can where we can so we can get compliance when we really need it. We are often complimented about what a great respectful boy he is and then Mr M and I just look at each other confused and sad. It's like we harbor this big ugly secret about who he really is because it is hard to struggle with what he puts us through each day and to feel like we are missing out on the best him. Part of it we know is his testing us. Will we give up on him too just like everyone before? We Constantly remind him we love him and we are here to stay. We hope someday that will really sink in. In his quiet moments he will tell me he wishes he didn't have to suffer through this too. The other day I almost fell over when he told me he realizes how good he has it. He was holding my cousins little one month old foster baby we are babysitting and asking about his story. I was telling him what I knew and he said " I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I got to know my birth Mom and he won't, and I have a great family." I just realized I forgot to tell Mr M that, oooops.....It brought tears to my eyes. It is hard, but I refuse to give up. I refuse to give up hope. I am encouraged by his ability to do so well outside of home and that when he heads to his room to cool off I have found him reading his scriptures. To be honest I am floored and grateful. The trick to parenting an ODD child is to NEVER show emotion when they are acting up. The hardest test of self discipline I have ever had. In the beginning it felt like I was letting him get away with murder if he didn't know how I felt so I fought that. Not anymore, it keeps the peace for the rest of our family if we keep those emotions reigned in. I cry quietly sometimes or hide in my room. I vent to a dear friend who I know understands first hand. It is hard to work so hard to have a peaceful home and have one child ruin it for everyone in an instant. I walk away a lot and address it later. Not easy!! When he is not around I try and help my other children to understand him and have compassion for the traumas he experienced as a small child and the circumstances that made his brain not work quite right. He just got new meds and I am floored at his ability to cope this week. Is it perfect, not by a long shot. His anger has decreased and that at least makes it bearable. He is in couseling for the umpteenth time and I hope with each new opprotunity to learn to cope and make a better life for himself that he will recognize it for the gift that it is and grab it and hang on for dear life.