I Always Cry

OK, I really do way more than cry I sob quietly in my seat as the tears roll freely down my face. My sweet husband always picks up my hand and holds it extra tight and puts his arm around me. HE knows... He knows the heart ache and joy I experience all at once. He knows how one song can remind me of all I missed and of all I have at one time. Have you ever seen The Forgotten Carols? We go every year and at one point in the story one of  the main characters yells. " I can't have kids" and then she promptly runs off stage. I have felt like that before. I have wanted to scream and run. I have wanted to hide from every new Mother with her sweet tiny bundle of joy in tow. I have wanted the world to know how awful it feels to have the words infertile and barren attached to me, the whispers and those who pity you..  Yet at times it seemed denial and  thick skin got me through.
   In this play the Character Connie Lou is visited by and angel who could not bear children and that angel sings of how Mary the Mother of the Savior let her hold her baby and for a moment in time she felt like a Mother. She sings of the honor it was to take care of other peoples children. That  it was a healing balm to her aching heart. At that point I am reminded of how each and every child we have as parents are really children of our Heavenly Father and how we are holding his children.Our calling was not to be the Mother of the Savior of the world but our calling is to Mother those we do have in our care, and it is no less important. Each of our children need to learn of that sweet child who became the man Jesus, the Savior of the world who's birth we will celebrate in a few days. Who's earthly Mother was Mary. They need to know who he is and what he stands for. It is our sacred job as  Mothers to teach them of him. It is a balm to my broken heart that I have eight beautiful children and I am a Mother. I am blessed beyond measure . It just didn't happen the way I had always planned, yet they are mine all the same. Sometimes my heart still hurts for all I assume I have missed. It doesn't last long anymore. I have so much!!!