Motherhood, it's not for sissy's

I don't know where I have heard it, but as the trials of motherhood are hitting me square in the face
lately it has become my little mantra. I have tried to cut Emmi and Kasidi some slack. I just can't anymore. Things have drastically changed with these two since my tumor scare and surgery. I was not really mothering anyone with any real effort or time. They would come for hugs and be stopped, "not that way."  " Oh don't touch my boo boo side"  I still gave them hugs and told them I loved them. I assured them I would be back to myself, but that it would take some time. They were taken care of by so many different people. The service given my family still chokes me up when I think about it. Trials come with a price, don't they?

I remember as  a young girl my Mom being so kindly carted off to a friends house after giving birth to her 7th child.  Her friend thought my Mom needed a break. We as children were not neglected by this act, in fact I want to go hide out with friends sometimes too. I only understand it as a Mother now myself. As a girl though I was sad and angry. How dare that lady take my Mom away from me! She had her baby, now give her back! I remember holding onto that anger for a while. I don't know if I miss behaved and tried to punish my Mom for it or not. I feel like that is where Kas and Emmi are. Testing me to my very limits some days, just too see if I still infact will pay attention and love them anyways. Other times I am sure it's just the mischief of youth.

So as Kasidi and Emmi test me in every way possible these days. I draw from my own childhood the only conclusion I can come up with. They were scared and mad and just wanted their Mom back. I was powerless to fix it. I could not just come home and be there again. Heck I couldn't walk or stand up straight. I was on heavy medication. No clear thoughts some days. Layne and I did our best to talk to them and help them understand.  The younger kids took it in stride. Carter was old enough to get it for the most part. His reaction was to stick closer to home and keep an eye on me. Emmi and Kasidi were stuck in the middle, not young enough to escape the lack of understanding of some parts and not old enough to understand what was needed for me to heal and why I had semi checked out of their lives.

The lists involves lying, a lot! Fit throwing and crying up to an hour at times. Sneaking the spray paint out of my garage and vandalizing the hood. Stealing from school.Yelling and fighting consistently with others. The seemed inability to speak kindly to others. Fights with friends. Making bedtime a living hell. Disrespecting the babysitter and other authority figures in their life. It has not been pretty the last four months. It sounds awful doesn't it?

They really are great girls! They do their chores when asked.  They love to play with the baby, change diapers, and feed her her bottles. They realize when they have done wrong in the little things and apologize with out prompting.  They are respectful to their school and church leaders.They are still willing to be hugged and loved and I am trying to go out of my way to give them as much extra attention as I can. When the big things hit though it's always over the top.

We have FHE lessons on kindness, and honesty. Some taught by them. I pray that some of it is sinking in. We talk about all their choices and have them right the wrong. I tell my kids every day      " You have to own your own choices." Hours spent cleaning graffiti of the walls in the retention basin, hoping it will bring home that truth. Admitting to the stealing and paying the price of the item along with admitting the wrong doing to the person involved. They are learning slowly it seems not to lie and blame others.

I am also talking to them about getting the right kind of attention. Confirming our unconditional love for them. Letting them know, we love them, just not their choices.  Telling them if they are feeling sad, mad, lonely, or left out anywhere that they can come to us. That if they are feeling scared or neglected to come tell us they need attention, or time with us. Helping them to recognize and hopefully understand some of their emotions. We are trying to see it and anticipate it. I know things will right themselves. I have faith in my girls and Layne and I as parents, and I know we will get through and just giggle at it all someday.  Right now though... all I can think is this Mommy thing is NOT for sissy's!