It's not so bad.

Sometimes I forget how parenting often parallels childhood. We are all learning, it's just the lessons that are different. Some times when it gets hard, and it does... I can't seem to fathom how Heavenly Father has such trust in me and Mr M. Parenting came fast and furious for us. There were no months of anticipation and excitement, wondering what this baby we were carrying would look like. There were no baby showers and and fun times planning a nursery. No ultrasounds and picking out of names. It came in the form of classes and license applications. Background checks and fingerprinting. The phone started ringing and then we had to decide if what they were presenting to us seemed like something we could handle.So on our second phone call we were asked to take a boy who defecates in his pants and a girl who never sleeps at night and we said ok. Actually, I said ok. I did not have time to call Mr M. and discuss the placement. I did call him however when they arrived an hour after that initial phone call both crying and scared to death. This was after all their 7th home in 2 years. We showed CPS we had a twin bed and a pack and play that my sister ran over really quick. We would get a crib ASAP. They told us a few things, said they would call us in a few days and left me there to begin parenting these two new additions to our home. C-Dog did not in fact have issues with his britches and Miss M did sleep at night. We later learned the placement before us must have been a nightmare for them both. An abusive foster home. Sadly they do exist. I wish they would have told us other things and in some areas I wish they would have just kept their mouths shut. We learned we had to be super tough right off the bat.I went to bed each night wondering if we really could make it.We now have 8 kids inside of 4.5 years and some days I feel like a fish out of water. I look around and wonder how I got here. Other days I think wow, this parenting stuff, it's not to bad.
     On those days when I feel like I might not make it and I get angry to easily or say things out of frustration that make my kids feel bad, I could kick myself at the end of those days!  I over analyze as I try to figure out a better way to handle it next time. How about the day my babysitter watched as I safely man handled one of my children to the ground to keep them from being a harm to themself and those around them. This has happened twice, and no one comes away from those experiences with out tears. It took a while to realize I was not the cause of these incidents, merely the one chosen to help pick up the pieces. How? I only have 5 years of parenting under my belt. I have four different ethnicity's and gene pools represented in my 8 kids. I have amazingly different personalities needing me every day. I  have felt so much guilt every time I lost my cool.
       C-Dogs short five years before he came to our home were full of uncertainty and abuse. He has feelings of abandonment. He gets frightened and reacts in ways it has taken years for us to understand. When my parents got mad they never hit me so their anger was never as frightening as ours is to C-Dog. These issues and more have left us needing some reinforcements.
       We have a behavior coach for a short time and her first visit was yesterday. I am not sure who learned more me, or C-Dog? I was worried because when she came last week to meet with just me, she asked what we needed her for? She said, we were already doing everything on our own that she would teach us. I thought I had hit a dead end, yet again. I told her if nothing else please come a few times and meet with us and help reinforce the systems we have in place.
        She sat and taught my son about anger and how our mind works when we are angry. I am not such a bad Mom when I am angry as I had previously thought. I got a broader picture of emotions and how his mind and mine work differently. I finally do not have to feel guilty for getting mad. We all know it is ok to get mad, it's what we do with that anger that makes a difference. I thought I was handling my anger wrong and as it turns out I am not perfect, but I can certainly cut myself some slack. C-dog, Mr M, and I can work better together to help him through the emotions that were hard for me even as an adult to understand sometimes. Imagine being  a five year old and having such big emotions and no way to cope. No one to teach you how to cope because they can not cope themselves or their coping skills are WRONG. Some of ours were wrong, but not abusive, just not helpful for what he is going through and how he perceives anger.What is not a threat to the average person is a threat to some. C-Dog was glued to her every word and so was I. She explained how an emotion as simple and yet as complicated as anger can work for our detriment or our good. Something we have been trying to teach him for so long. I listened to her tell stories  to my son of the cause and effect of anger.
  So many Mothers (parents) feel guilty for feeling anger. I used to look at Moms who always spoke so softly and their kids always seemed to mind and wondered what magic potion their family drank to have what seemed like a strife free, naughty kid free life. I wanted to know what threat hung over their heads. Now I know they are probably a family who has learned to better school their emotions. No one has perfect life. I already knew that. So many people feel like their family's less than perfect if a constant smile and all is well in the world image is not always what people see. It is not healthy to never feel anger or to suppress that anger. This does not mean go hog wild. It means check yourself, check you coping skills. Evaluate what made you mad. Was your reaction over the top? Have you discussed anger as a family? Not a bad topic for FHE or a family meeting. Remember anger NEVER justifies hurting some one else physically or emotionally.

      I have felt so overwhelmed at times wondering how to cope with what I face as a parent and feeling guilty at times for the thoughts my emotions created. In one short hour my little guy and I learned a valuable lesson side by side. It doesn't matter our age or circumstance, we are always learning. (or should be) I realized what we are facing is NOT so bad. These trials we face just like anger can go either way. Life is what we make it, right!